I do not blog for sympathy. For me, it is healing. It's a therapeutic way for me to allow friends and family access to what our new normal looks like in Charleston. For Joshua's family back in Illinois, to be assured that he is still a part of our lives, day to day conversations and involved in our bedtime prayers. It's a peek into the sweet, yet hard to hear and watch moments with Hannah Rae and George. We cry, we laugh and thankfully know we will see Joshua again in Heaven. We feel Joshua with us and have been reminded with several awesome stories to tell. The veil between this life on earth and the next has proven to be thin.
Three years have passed and although I have not posted on my blog, I have been writing fiercely in my journal. When I journal, there is a freedom that comes with it where I don't edit my thoughts and ignore any possibility for grammatical errors. It has taken time, but I’m ready to share.
As I continue to share pieces of my new normal, I will pull from my journal, but also leave some to myself. There is a part of grief that remains private to the person. The other part I hope to encourage others who enjoy reading the blog, that there is joy in life even while grieving. Grief is not a period of time with a beginning and an end, but a new course that you are forced to take. It's up to you how you walk that course. I choose to look for the joy, see the blessings and respect my past while attempting daily to look forward. It's not easy and for some it takes time to make that conscious decision. It is in your own timing and you should close off any negative energy that makes you feel guilty for your thoughts, actions or feelings.
The first year, I was in this fog and didn't even realize there was a choice to be made. That's okay. I was in survival mode. Caring for two babies kept me going and busy. Very busy :) I asked myself daily if I was ever going to get it together. To be honest, I still ask myself that question. My kids gave me a purpose in life when I wasn't sure I even had one anymore. The picture in my head that represented my life had been erased. I was now starting from scratch to paint a new picture. While I was just trying to get through each hour, my life picture was a big question mark. I was now thinking “what am I going to do with this new life with just me and two children?”