Sunday, February 24, 2013


i don't even know how long i sat there staring, unresponsive, then crying.  staring then crying more.  i kept thinking, "i can't do this, he's gone, i just talked to him."  i was realizing i'd never see him again, at least not on this earth, his death was so final and it ripped at my heart.  How was i going to endure this life without the love of my life.

i heard people talk, but didn't listen, couldn't listen.  somebody set me in a wheel chair and took me up to a different floor.  they were now admitting my kids to their rooms on different floors from each other.  my mom went with hannah rae because she was scared and the nurses wanted a close relative to accompany them.  they felt it would keep my little girl calm and feel safe if she had my mom with her.  they were right.  i'm so grateful my mom stayed by her side when i wasn't able to.

i was wheeled into an empty room and just remember sitting there with my back to the door and my dad at my side.  the rest is blurry, but somehow i ended up with george in the picu (pediatrician icu).  i had both my babies separated and on two different floors.  my heart was ripping in so many directions.  i wasn't even there when they moved the kids from the emergency rooms to their hospital rooms.  in my lack of consiousness, the hospital staff continued taking care of my babies for me.  when i walked in to see george, he looked so small in that big bed and so scared.  i tried to comfort him, but it was so difficult without being able to feed him.  the doctors asked me to wait to feed george.  his concussion caused a bleed spot they found in his brain from a cat scan.

a chaplain came to talk to me while dad and i sat with george.  he was a nice man and let us know he was there for us if we had questions, but i really couldn't manage a conversation at that point.  all i could do was cry and try to comfort my 6 week old baby boy who just lost his daddy and survived a fatal car crash.  my mind was so full of thoughts, yet completely blank at the same time.  my dad was so helpful in the picu with george, which speaks volums of his love because he's not usually comfortable holding infants.  that night, you would have never known.  he held george and rocked him with his eye's closed as he prayed. 

the nurses kept asking me if i needed to pump, but i had such a hard time even figuring out how to make that decision.  of course i needed to.  it had been several hours since george ate.  i didn't want to be alone or go anywhere alone.  i kept saying i was scared.  i finally went to the bathroom, but i made somebody stay close.  i eventually went to a special room to pump and was absolutely petrified.  i can't even begin to describe how scared i was to be alone at this point.  my sweet mom came in at some point to my rescue and i just whaled and cried to her, asking her to please not leave me alone.  i didn't even want to go to hannah rae's floor by myself.  i couldn't.  i literally had difficulty putting one foot in front of the other, let alone try and find my way to my daughter's hospital room for the first time.

dad stayed with george and somebody took me downstairs to see hannah rae.  it had been a long time since i had seen her.  i walked in to her inside this cage looking like hospital crib with all these women from my church surrounding and loving on her.  my mom was right next to her, as close as she could get without crawling in the crib herself.  i got a chair and sat on the other side of the crib.

when i was with hannah rae, i felt guilty for not being with george.  when i was with george, i felt guilty for not being with hannah rae.  while i was still in hannah rae's room, one of my friends jennifer asked what she could do to help.  i immediately said, go love love on george for me.  i explained how my dad hardly ever holds infants and for him to be up there with george and holding him when he cried was a very big deal.  i wanted dad to have some help.  it was important for me to stay by hannah rae because she was so scared and in a lot of pain.  george didn't really know the difference as to who was loving on him.  hannah rae was very aware of my presence.  i crawled in the cage of a crib and just held her.  the marks on her shoulders were painful to see and the site of her in a neck brace looking scared just killed me.  she was so hungry and thirsty.  finally the nurses let us
sneak her some pudding and she stuck her little tongue out as far is it would go to get to the pudding as fast as possible.  she was already in pain so being able to feed her hunger put her at ease.  she also sucked on this little stick with a sponge on the top that we dipped in water.  that was such a relief for her to have some water, even from a sponge, and pudding.  it made me feel better to be able to make it a little easier on her and see her relax

i kept wanting to fall asleep so that I could wake up and have it all be a bad dream.  I was having this battle inside of my body to be strong and take care of our babies, but at the same time I was hysterical  and began convulsing on the couch in hannah rae's hospital room while she was sleeping.  I don't really remember this part very well, but do remember feeling that I had completely lost control of my mind and body.  my mom and good friend pricilla were on a mission to get me some medicine to help me relax.  I needed some valium or xanex so I could function to some degree.  i wasn't technically admitted like hannah rae and george so the doctor's hadn't really asked if i needed any medication.  however, because i had just given birth 6 weeks prior, my friend called my midwife, who worked at the same hispital and she came immediately to help me calm down.  i still hadn't even had a chance to go to my 6 week postpartum checkup yet.  amelia, my midwife, was so sweet and invested in helping and supporting me through this nightmare.  i felt at ease knowing i had one of my doctor's who knew my medical history so well and so recent looking out for me.  amelia and the lactation consultant figured out a way for me to take certain medicine that would not affect my coumadin (blood thinner bc i had a pulmonary embolism in august) or my being able to nurse george.  i am so grateful to the friends and family that surrounded me for noticing a need that i couldn't articulate and taking charge.  What a blessing to have people like that in my life.

there were people from our small group and church family around the clock and on stand by to help us during our stay at the hospital.  we were completly covered with love, prayer, and support, anticipating any and every need the kids or i might have had.  all my sister had to do was send a text and somebody would come in to help with hannah rae or george.  breakfast, lunch and dinner just showed up.  that my friends is a wonderful example of showing christ's love and watching the body of christ move in amazing ways.  people were doing things that i didn't even know about.  because their car seats were in an accident we were no longer able to use them.  we woke up the next morning and there was a brand new graco travel system (stroller and car seat) for george and a top of the line car seat for hannah rae sitting in the hospital room.  it was unbelievable.  somehow i had a bag of clothes with my medicine, a new diaper bag with clothes and other essentials inside.  it was like little elves dropping off gifts and taking care of us in an amazingly selfless way.  they just did it, with no expectation of being thanked or interest in me even knowing what they did.  i can't say it enough, but thank you.