My disclaimer:
I do not blog for
sympathy. For me, it is healing. It's a therapeutic way for me to
allow friends and family access to what our new normal looks like in
Charleston. For Joshua's family back in Illinois, to be assured that
he is still a part of our lives, day to day conversations and
involved in our bedtime prayers. It's a peek into the sweet, yet
hard to hear and watch moments with Hannah Rae and George. We cry,
we laugh and thankfully know we will see Joshua again in Heaven. We
feel Joshua with us and have been reminded with several awesome
stories to tell. The veil between this life on earth and the next
has proven to be thin.
Catch up:
Three years have
passed and although I have not posted on my blog, I have been writing
fiercely in my journal. When I journal, there is a freedom that
comes with it where I don't edit my thoughts and ignore any
possibility for grammatical errors. It has taken time, but I’m
ready to share.
As I continue to
share pieces of my new normal, I will pull from my journal, but also
leave some to myself. There is a part of grief that remains private
to the person. The other part I hope to encourage others who enjoy
reading the blog, that there is joy in life even while grieving.
Grief is not a period of time with a beginning and an end, but a new
course that you are forced to take. It's up to you how you walk that
course. I choose to look for the joy, see the blessings and respect
my past while attempting daily to look forward. It's not easy and
for some it takes time to make that conscious decision. It is in
your own timing and you should close off any negative energy that
makes you feel guilty for your thoughts, actions or feelings.
The first year, I
was in this fog and didn't even realize there was a choice to be
made. That's okay. I was in survival mode. Caring for two babies
kept me going and busy. Very busy :) I asked myself daily if I was
ever going to get it together. To be honest, I still ask myself that
question. My kids gave me a purpose in life when I wasn't sure I
even had one anymore. The picture in my head that represented my
life had been erased. I was now starting from scratch to paint a new
picture. While I was just trying to get through each hour, my life
picture was a big question mark. I was now thinking “what am I
going to do with this new life with just me and two children?”
Love.
